{"id":9230,"date":"2025-12-19T13:25:58","date_gmt":"2025-12-19T18:25:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/?post_type=moa_podcasts&#038;p=9230"},"modified":"2026-01-19T10:16:21","modified_gmt":"2026-01-19T15:16:21","slug":"guilty-pleasures","status":"publish","type":"moa_podcasts","link":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/moa_podcasts\/guilty-pleasures\/","title":{"rendered":"Guilty pleasures (TRI)"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"9230\" class=\"elementor elementor-9230\" data-elementor-post-type=\"moa_podcasts\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7793a1c2 e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"7793a1c2\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-3e08ac5e elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"3e08ac5e\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n<p>We naturally want to share our wonderful discoveries. I imagine most motorcyclists have encouraged some non-riders to join their club, hoping to spread the happiness and enrich their own enjoyment with the added companionship of folks they already like. This seems straightforward, but there is a complication. Motorcycling is a seriously dangerous activity. Riders can and do get hurt (or worse). If I, with the most benevolent intentions, introduce a loved one to the joys of motorcycling and they end up suffering serious injuries on a bike, what responsibility do I bear? What about the guilt of not sharing what has brought me so much deeply felt gratification? Do I really want to deny others the same to avoid the possibility they might pay a high price for it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-6786 lazyload\" style=\"width: 150px;\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"351\" height=\"263\" \/><noscript><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-6786 lazyload\" style=\"width: 150px;\" src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"351\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide.jpg 2560w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide-1024x768.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide-1536x1152.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/Mark-Barnes-w-RS-wide-2048x1536.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 351px) 100vw, 351px\" \/><\/noscript>I\u2019m reminded of one of the all-time worst experiences in my 52-year tenure as a motorcyclist. Several decades ago, I taught my then-girlfriend how to ride. She was enthusiastic, naturally athletic and well-coordinated, and learned very quickly on a little borrowed bike. After a few months of parking lot drills and small-scale local rides, she wanted to join a group of my riding buddies on a longer loop through the nearby foothills. I was apprehensive, but for what turned out to be the wrong reason. I expected her to be unable to keep up with these advanced riders who usually maintained a swift pace, given the fact I often had trouble doing so; if it was hard for me with vastly more experience, surely she\u2019d soon be left behind. Of course, I\u2019d hang back and keep her company, but I thought she might get frustrated or discouraged. Nevertheless, we met the group at the appointed hour and took off into the hinterlands together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><iframe class=\"lazyload\" title=\"Embed Player\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/39236640\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/f2cb9f\/time-start\/00:00:00\/hide-playlist\/yes\/download\/yes\/font-color\/000000\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" style=\"border: none;\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Positioned at the rear of the group with me riding sweep, I was amazed at how well she rode \u2013 we never lost sight of the others \u2013 until a sharp righthander proved too much for her nascent cornering skills and she ran wide \u2013 very wide. She crossed the oncoming lane \u2013 fortunately there was no traffic \u2013 and continued into a large gravel field on the opposite side of the road. While braking on this low-traction surface, she lost the front and got slammed to the ground, then tumbled a looong way. I watched in abject horror, knowing what was about to happen and helpless to intervene. She was terribly shaken by the crash but seemed physically intact, albeit quite sore from multiple impacts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The bike had sustained only cosmetic damage, but she was in no condition to ride it home. This was before cell phones, so we couldn\u2019t call an ambulance from the middle of nowhere. After the group came back looking for us, we knocked on the door of the only house in sight and a kind old lady let her lie down on a couch for the three hours it took one of the other riders to speed home and return with a trailer. My girlfriend insisted she didn\u2019t need immediate medical attention, and although we shouldn\u2019t have honored her refusal, we resolved to drive to the ER once back in town. Thanks to the fact she\u2019d been wearing high-quality full leathers and a good helmet \u2013 and the serendipitous absence of any rigid obstructions along her errant trajectory \u2013 her worst injury was a hematoma on her hip. All these years later, I can still vividly recall her wreck as though it was a slow-motion instant replay. I was terrified for her safety and felt tremendous guilt for having made this awful event possible, and for having not done more to protect her. I thought I should have, at the very least, ridden in front of her instead of behind, so I could have exercised more control over her speed and modeled appropriate technique. Instead, I\u2019d chosen a position from which I could monitor her more continuously, not fully recognizing this left me zero influence over what happened. I never expected she\u2019d need to go slower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-9231 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc-1024x682.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><noscript><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"682\" class=\"wp-image-9231 lazyload\" src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc-1024x682.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc-1024x682.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-womanmc.jpg 1400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/noscript>\n<figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\"><i>Not Mark&#8217;s former girlfriend.<\/i><\/figcaption>\n<\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Psychologists make distinctions between different types of guilt and responsibility. \u201cReparative guilt\u201d is the kind we feel after hurting or failing someone due to our aggressive or selfish actions or inaction. (This assumes we have a conscience, which not everyone possesses; sociopaths and psychopathic narcissists don\u2019t.) Reparative guilt is based on concern for the other person\u2019s well-being. At a deeper level, this concern has a self-serving element: we don\u2019t want to lose our connection to them as a result of causing them pain. It motivates us to make reparations to preserve our ties. This guilt is learned during childhood. When those we depend upon pull away from us with disapproval or distress in response to our behavior or feelings, we get anxious about losing their support. We develop an aversion to prohibited behaviors and feelings because they put us in danger of rejection by those upon whom we\u2019re utterly dependent, a frightening situation. To reduce our anxiety going forward, we internalize our caregivers\u2019 reproach and use it proactively to inhibit the impulses that put us out of favor with those whose care we desperately need. The self-reproach we come to feel after committing an offense acts as a deterrent; if we voluntarily beat ourselves up enough, maybe we won\u2019t have to suffer caregivers\u2019 distancing again. \u201cAnticipatory guilt\u201d helps keep us from offending others so we don\u2019t forfeit the benefits of our relationships with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The induction of guilt is a normal, necessary and unavoidable aspect of socialization in childhood, although there are obviously many ways this can go astray. Without guilt, we would all be sociopaths and there would be no mutuality, no implicit social contract \u2013 it would truly be \u201cevery man for himself\u201d in a world of unbridled exploitative competition. We would have only the most instrumental interest in others, employ empathy only as a tool for manipulation, and trust no one. In a functioning society, we should feel bad when we violate expectations of peaceful, cooperative coexistence and risk losing valuable connections with others as a result. This gets elaborated in moral terms, but it\u2019s fundamentally pragmatic for both the individual and the group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><p><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><\/p>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-6982 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1200\" height=\"135\" class=\"wp-image-6982 lazyload\" src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner-300x34.jpg 300w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner-1024x115.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/MOA-Foundation-Logo-banner-768x86.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><em>The Ride Inside with Mark Barnes<\/em> is brought to you by the <a href=\"https:\/\/bmwmoaf.org\/fundraising\/safemiles-endowment\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">MOA Foundation<\/a>. You can <a href=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/page\/membertypes\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">join the BMW Motorcycle Owners of America<\/a> quickly and easily to better take advantage of the Paul B. Grant and Clark Luster training reimbursement programs offered by the Foundation.<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<hr \/><!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>It\u2019s certainly possible for people to feel overly guilt-ridden for disappointing or angering others and need to balance this with concern for their own authenticity, autonomy and welfare. Some aggression is required for self-protection and defending others, and self-assertion is necessary in the pursuit of any goals. \u201cNeurotic guilt\u201d is an exaggerated version that typically reflects early experiences wherein a child\u2019s normal needs, uniqueness and vitality are experienced as injurious or offensive to dependency\/authority figures. Now inhibitions and self-reproach get attached to behaviors and expressions that aren\u2019t actually rooted in malicious intent. However, because the child is treated as though they\u2019ve been malicious, they adopt that view to maintain harmony with those they need. Later in life, they will assess their own innocence or guilt based on others\u2019 reactions, rather than what actually happened; if they\u2019re being blamed, they embrace responsibility and work to repair the connection regardless of how unreasonable the other\u2019s judgment may be. They may end up feeling bad about many normal aspects of their own human nature, just because these are deemed objectionable by certain key people. This is not the same as having a conscience that would make them sorry for genuine transgressions. Instead, they feel guilty for simply having needs, holding a different perspective or priority, or pursuing any gratification, even when they\u2019re not doing harm to anyone else \u2013 they\u2019re just not as another would prefer. They may also feel guilty for things that are completely beyond their control, just as they didn\u2019t choose to have the normal, expectable needs of a child \u2013 needs a caregiver found burdensome and punished. Some people would rather feel guilty than helplessly limited, too. Such guilt is implicitly grandiose, based on an unrealistic fantasy they could have been superhuman if they\u2019d only tried harder.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>\u201cExistential guilt\u201d is based on the fact we contribute to certain problems, no matter our intentions or what we couldn\u2019t possibly have known in advance. Whether I do or don\u2019t do something has consequences. I could have no idea such consequences would follow, and they could be 180-degrees from any of my intentions, but my choice was still a factor leading to their occurrence. Normal human limitations prevent me from doing some things others need, no matter how much I care, and accidents do happen. It may not be fair to blame me for what I can\u2019t know or control, but there\u2019s no denying I contributed to the unwanted outcome. Blame and guilt in this case aren\u2019t based on my aggression or selfishness, or someone else\u2019s displeasure, but rather the fact my behavior was integral to a causal chain of events.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>All that said, how might we think about our responsibility if someone we introduce to motorcycling gets hurt? In the example of my old girlfriend\u2019s crash, reparative guilt would not apply, as I didn\u2019t do anything to cause harm, nor was I truly neglectful. Existential guilt does apply, as she wouldn\u2019t have fallen if I hadn\u2019t facilitated her entry into the world of riding. I experienced neurotic guilt, too. I felt responsible and blamed myself for an event over which I had little influence. Yes, I could have refused to let her join that ride, or I could have ridden in front of her instead of behind. But neither of these choices would have prevented her from running wide in a corner at some point. Fortunately, she didn\u2019t consider the event my fault, which made it easier for me to eventually shake my neurotic guilt and simply accept the existential version. She took responsibility for technical errors in that corner (too much speed, not enough countersteering), and she had understood ahead of time errors were likely and could result in injuries; she\u2019d accepted this risk knowingly.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n\n<!-- wp:image {\"id\":9232,\"sizeSlug\":\"large\",\"linkDestination\":\"none\"} -->\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-9232 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands-1024x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" \/><noscript><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"576\" class=\"wp-image-9232 lazyload\" src=\"http:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands-1024x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands-1024x576.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands-300x169.jpg 300w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/pexels-rideinside-claspedhands.jpg 1400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/noscript><\/figure>\n<!-- \/wp:image -->\n\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>To protect ourselves from realistic self-reproach in the event one of our inductees gets hurt, it\u2019s important we explicitly warn them of the dangers involved in motorcycling. We must emphasize rider training and skill practice are life-long necessities, and be careful not to encourage them to get in over their head. Of course, what constitutes \u201cin over their head\u201d is never precisely knowable; even seasoned veterans can find themselves in riding dilemmas that exceed their abilities. But we can insist that, if they\u2019re going to ride with us, they must wear proper protective gear and accept small, incremental increases in challenge. Otherwise, we won\u2019t support their involvement if it escalates the risk of injury unnecessarily. We can\u2019t prevent them from exercising bad judgement, but we can discourage it and distance ourselves from its consequences. We must also recognize not everyone should ride motorcycles. Some are too impulsive, others lack the physical wherewithal or mental focus required. We ought not encourage someone to ride when their constitution stacks the deck against them.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\n\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>We may want to avoid the guilt of contributing to another\u2019s injury, but what about the opposite source \u2013 not sharing something that has proven a rich source of countless joys? They\u2019d miss out on a delicious slice of life because we didn\u2019t introduce them to it, and we\u2019d both lose all the good times we might have enjoyed together. Some of the absolute best moments of my life as a motorcyclist (really, my life in general) were spent teaching my then-nine-year-old to ride, and subsequently conquering trails with him for many years afterward. The thrill of watching him go from my student to my superior was epic, and I got to experience all my own exciting riding milestones again vicariously as he reached and exceeded them. Those memories are priceless and they strengthened our bond immeasurably. Yet none of them would have happened if I\u2019d given in to anticipatory guilt and been too afraid he might get hurt. My awareness of existential responsibility motivated me to continually emphasize safety and self-discipline to him, and I was perpetually vigilant about the risks to which I exposed him. As he earned my trust in his competence and judgement, I transferred more responsibility to him. Were he to get hurt now, I would certainly be upset; but I wouldn\u2019t feel guilty about introducing him to motorcycles.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>GUILTY PLEASURES are things we might try to hide from our friends. \u201cNot that there\u2019s anything wrong with that,\u201d they might say, but we don\u2019t want to hear it. But when it comes to actual guilt over sharing the things (like motorcycling) which bring us joy, Mark says it\u2019s smart to leave yourself some wiggle room.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":9231,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"podcast":[81],"class_list":["post-9230","moa_podcasts","type-moa_podcasts","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","podcast-the-ride-inside"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/moa_podcasts\/9230","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/moa_podcasts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/moa_podcasts"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/moa_podcasts\/9230\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9231"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9230"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"podcast","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bmwmoa.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast?post=9230"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}